I am a snowman and since I am made of christmas snow I become alive again  (Get it?)

The next user is on fire

Stop! Drop! Roll!

The next user is subjected to listening to deadly Justin Bieber music for thirty hours straight with no way of blocking out the sound.

I can turn the speakers off....

The next user is a wall and an azure bomb is about to hit you.

I am a wall made out of one of the wall elements. As a result, the azure bomb does nothing.

The next user is made out of WOOD, and is about to be hit by LAVA.

Quickly suck the water out of the ground like a tree so I don't burn.

The next user is trapped in a box of wall with NITR in it with the pressure slowly increasing.

I use PRTI and PRTO to escape.

The next person has a wifi speed of 1 byte per second.

I use EMP to block the attack

The next user is made of C4 and is attacked with lava

1: I create a wifi hotspot with my phone.

2: I edit myself with the console: tpt.el.c4.explosive = 0

The next user has no internet access.

*nightmares*

Fortunately, I don't require internet access to survive.

The next user not only has no internet, but no electricity as well.

Luckily I don't need electricity to live.

The next user has no internet, no electricity and no life.