i get teleported to lake ontario

the next user has clogged arteries and will pass away soon in a very primitive hospital in Africa

My enormous girth saves me, as in the moment I take my last breath, the weight of my stomach bears down on my arteries, unclogging them.

The next user is dying in the bed next to me.

I leech your life force with black magic, saving myself!

The next poster is, unfortunately, currently Oats.

I leech your life force with black magic, saving myself!

The next user is Demoman200 (inception...)

One of my clones was Demoman200, but the infinite amounts of black magic used caused the entire universe to rip itself apart, destroying everything within.

The next user is being painfully shredded by the dying universe.

I have such a gravitational mass that I can't be torn apart.

The next user accelerates towards me due to gravity.

"I assume that means you survived?"

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I explode, but the rest of the universe is already gone, and as the only thing left in the universe, I become the universe. 

The next user is smote with my godly powers.

I have over 9000 piety, making me immune.

The next user is a waffle. We all know what happens to waffles.

i get packed up in a box and sent to the store, where no one buys me, i survived.

the next user jumps the high dive... into a pool full of razor wire... in thier speedo.