Granted. Since you made exception to yeast, salt, and water, I give you a pretzel made with radioactive form of those substances.

I wish for an indestructible bottle filled with supercritical CO2.

You get your Savage Axis, but it turns out that Nerf made a new fake gun specially for you, called the Savage Axis. Also, the delivery truck bring your box of rounds was blown up by a group of urban terrorists, who all live in retirement homes.

I wish to be the first person to safely produce a contained singularity, and not have anything bad happen to me because of it.

Granted. However, the singularity evaporates within a fraction of a nanosecond due to hawking radiation.

I wish that comet ISON had not broken up.

Sure. I eat it.

I wish I had knew what battery was better, quantum or dura-lock. And remembered.

Granted, you now know everything there is to know (including what the Queen looks like taking a dump). You can't stand the image and your allknowing subconsciousness decides it's best to shut down to the memory of your brain by stopping your heart. Unfotunately you die in the process.

I wish to know only usefull stuff.

Useful is relative. You know what a hobo knows.

I wish I could travel through wormholes!

Granted. You traveled through a parallel universe, which destroys your home universe. The organisms there hate outsiders, and killed you.

I wish for gibberish. I never got [INSERT FEELING HERE, EXCEPT INDIFFERENCE] and never did a suicide.

Granted. I dissolve you into a sulfuric acid solution. You are now complete gibberish, made of atoms moving in random directions through the solution.

I wish that the moon landing conspiracy theory did not exist.