Three men walk into a bar because a sign says "FREE BEER". They ask the bartender for the beer, but the bar tender says:
"You can only have the beer if you can heal my daughter upstairs with only a peice of bread, an empty crisp packet and a pair of tweezers."
So the first man goes up, sees the girl covered in scabs and jumps out the window from fear. The next man does the same. But the final man picks off the scabs with the tweezers, puts them in the crisp packet and throws it out of the window. Then he wipes up the blood with the bread and throws it out of the window. He goes and gets his free beer and, when he's finished, goes outside where he sees his friends.
"What are you doing here?" he says.
"Oh we're just eating this packet of crisps and jam sandwich that fell out of the air" They reply.

Why did the passion-fruit cross the road?

A: To go to Howick Squaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash

im gonna vomit

lol, SOME of these are funny

2:


they are the only good ones

the pizzaplatypus one makes me sick, but its a bit funny at the same time, here is mine:
its not that funny but its mature, lol, kinda, idk.
a preschool girl walks up to her teacher to ask if she could go to the toilet(if uv heard this much b4, dont waste ur time reading the rest)and the teacher replied, ok, but first u have to say the alphabet, so the little girls says: a, b, c, d, e, f, g,(i cant b bothered with commas anymore)h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z. then the teacher said, what happend to the P and the little girl said, its on the floor.

Please answer the question at the end.
A completely random and false scenario:
You are in Florida, Miami to be exact. You are enjoying yourself there when suddenly there is chaos all around you! A hurricane has just sudden swept in! You are a photographer and you are snapping pictures of the wreckage, houses and cars float by like they're made of paper, flooding fills the streets with water neck high! Suddenly you spot someone! It's president Bush! He is flailing helplessly against the current! You could either save him or take the best picture of your career, a picture of one of the worlds most powerful men dying at the hands of natures cruel rath.
So here's the question (and be honest!)
Would you go with color? Or the simplicity of black and white?

Edit:
The pope was standing outside the gates of heaven. St Peter is there and he looks him over and asks him his name.
Pope: I am the pope! I am the representative of god on earth!
Peter: He had a reprenstitve? Well you aren't on the list, let me talk to him.
So Peter goes to god and asks him about this. God doesn't know about it so they ask Jesus and he goes to look. He comes back laughing.
Peter and god: What's so funny?
Jesus: You know that fishing club I started 2000 years ago? It still exists!

i would save him since the picture would mean nothing but evidence that i could of saved him and i would probably go to jail

@plead-for-destruction
Did I mention Pulitzer prize winning photo? Dang I can't copy the original joke on mobile.

How many of each animal did moses take on the ark???

ans: http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20060613073946AAVpTog